Hypochondriacs and workplace slackers across the UK can now turn for support to Sickie, a new charitable foundation for the millions of British people whose committed work ethic is undermined each week by debilitating complaints such as 24-hour manflu, chapped lips, pins and needles and dandruff.
‘While there are many charities helping the sufferers of serious conditions such as cancer, blindness, and paraplegia, the plight of the ordinary Briton trying to deal with a serious case of athlete’s foot, toothache or itchy arse is all too often forgotten,’ said Professor Martin Jones, chief executive of Sickie. ‘Did you know that every month over a million working days are lost to instances of dodgy-kebab-on-the-way-home and stayed-up-all-night-watching-sport? It’s an epidemic.’
Sickie’s volunteers will provide sufferers of afflictions such as Taste-of-Delhi-belly and 9am-to-5pm-sore-knee with vital support in the form of emergency deliveries of toilet paper or popping to the GP to collect a sick note. Trained counsellors will also offer specialist advice over the phone such as ‘best not rush back to work too soon’, and ‘they’ll manage’.
The charity had anticipated being inundated with calls on Wimbledon semi-final day when sudden outbreaks of the-baby’s-ill and man-coming-about-the-boiler were expected at about 2pm. And Sickie warns that the summer of 2012 could well be a flashpoint for British workers being incapacitated by death-of-a-distant-relative and a-touch-of-ebola.
Sickie’s official global unveiling was scheduled for 9am on Monday morning, the day after the charity’s inter-regional cricket competition and barbeque, but a statement released by a spokesman from his sick bed confirms that it unfortunately had to be postponed because the entire management team was struck down by a combination of sunstroke, food poisoning and cat-needs-worming.