The age of actor and martial arts practitioner Steven Seagal could have a dramatic effect on the viability of the digital TV channel 5USA, according to a leaked internal report. The document forecasts the channel’s collapse if the 59-year-old star decides to stop making straight-to-video movies any time soon.
‘There are only so many times we can rotate the current stock of Seagal films before viewers realise they’ve seen them all,’ said a spokesman for 5USA. ‘And it won’t be long before someone asks how come ‘Seagal Season’ is longer than summer, autumn and winter combined.’
Should the supply of Segal movies come to an end, 5USA executives are confident they can get away with showing the same three episodes of the CSI franchise between 9pm and midnight each evening until Christmas.