The phone hacking scandal embroiling the News of the World took a further sinister turn last night after it was revealed that trusted psychic Mystic Meg has for years been listening in to the voicemails of Sagittarians, Geminis and Librans in a bid to make her daily horoscopes more accurate.
‘Every time I read my stars in The Sun or the News of the World I couldn’t believe how accurate they were,’ said 29-year-old Mandie Soloman, an Aries born on the cusp of Taurus. ‘But I never suspected anything until my horoscope for last Monday told me to trust my instincts with a new business acquaintance and not to forget about my smear test. Once my boss Gary – also an Aries – revealed he didn’t have a smear test that day, I knew immediately something was up.’
The revelations had initially been thought to affect only Leos and Scorpios, known respectively for their fiery natures and tendency to overreact to trivial invasions of privacy. But since the allegations came to light a host of other signs of the zodiac have come forward claiming that rather than looking into a crystal ball, Mystic Meg has actually been listening in to their Nokia N8 smartphones. There are now concerns that the integrity of the whole fortune-telling industry could be brought into disrepute.
‘Only this morning my stars said ‘Single? Someone you thought was out of reach returns with love in mind’,’ said 42-year-old Kirk Penny, a Piscean. ‘Now, how could she possibly have known that without intercepting my mum’s message saying that she’s coming to stay?’ Other readers are now questioning how, other than by illegally accessing their messages, Mystic Meg could have uncannily predicted that luck is linking them with the letter A or that money matters will come to a head later in the week.
The News of the World has suspended Mystic Meg and denied that others at the paper could have known about the scandal on the basis that they’re ‘not clairvoyants’. Mystic Meg’s last act as an employee of News International was to produce a personalised horoscope for Rebekah Brooks suggesting that her positive outlook as a Gemini will help her through the difficult months ahead, and that her destiny may hinge on an early morning visit from some tall, dark strangers.
Inspired by an idea from ronseal.