Compilers of the Oxford English Dictionary have declared that everyone and everything must be defined as gay from now on. According to editor-in-chief Dr Mark Boyle, a team of linguistic experts from universities up and down Britain had studied every field of modern life and failed to find anything that is not gay.
In the early 20th century, the OED defined the word ‘gay’ as meaning ‘happy, carefree, esp. applied to young people, e.g. gay young thing’. Later it came to be applied to homosexual men as an insult, until they adopted it as a badge of honour. In the past decade, however, the number of definitions has grown to the point where it encompasses the entire universe.
‘Anyone or anything that is (a) in any way not overtly masculine in appearance, conduct or image, (b) uncool, naff or otherwise falling short of arbitrarily defined and rapidly changing contemporary standards or (c) in any way or for any reason, deemed worthy of derision by anyone under 21 is now gay,’ said Boyle. ‘Not just ballet, not just cleaning your bedroom, not just reading novels, everything. And I don’t mean just a bit poofy either, I mean really, REALLY gay.’
Various individuals and groups, from fundamentalist Christian congregations to al-Qaeda, the RFU and TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson, have denounced the OED’s stance as ridiculous and have claimed that they and many others like them are not gay at all. However, Boyle said that they are standing firm on its ruling.
‘Er – hello? Named Jeremy, exaggerated masculinity, obsessive over-compensation, always hanging out with similarly dressed men … need I say more?’ he asked. ‘Born again Christians, all clapping along to cheesy music? Rugby? Fifteen beefy men in tight shorts putting their heads between each others’ thighs – whoo-hoo. And making a big girly fuss over the contents of a dictionary – that really is SO … well, it is though, isn’t it?’