Tesco has revealed plans to improve its highly popular ‘Finest’ range by the addition of extra words. This, it said, will enable aspirational customers to separate themselves from the mass of consumers.
‘It’s about brand differentiation,’ said chief executive Terry Leahy, from his secret base under a Pacific island, pausing from being massaged by a Vietnamese girl in a bikini. He then told his henchmen to switch off a clock counting down to the launch of a nuclear missile at Hadleigh, Suffolk, where planning permission for a Tesco superstore was rejected last week, laughing this off as an ‘administrative error’.
‘At the moment you can get a ham and egg sandwich for £1.40 or a ‘Finest’ Wiltshire Cured Ham and Free Range Egg Sandwich on Organic Bread for £2.40,’ Leahy said. ‘From next week, you can also buy an ‘Exquisitely Finer Finest’ Wiltshire Outgoing Ham With GSOH Hand Smoked Over a Turf Fire With Healthy and Athletic Free Range Egg Individually Boiled and Sliced by Rosy-Cheeked Country Maidens on Traditional Irish Organic Soda Bread sandwich for £5.90.’
An initial trial in Leamington Spa met with positive results, with one customer particularly impressed by the Exquisitely Finer Finest range. ‘Sure they cost a little more, but it’s definitely worth the money, you can really taste the extra adjectives,’ he said, before driving over a small furry mammal in his BMW.
Leahy declined to comment on a rumoured extension to the ‘Value’ range. ‘Some of our customers might be prepared to forego euphemisms for a lower price, but there are no current plans for a 69p ‘Value’ Mechanically Rendered Pork Fat Scrapings and Fuck Knows What That Died in a Hen House sandwich,’ he told reporters.
‘For one thing, we’d be giving away all that extra verbiage and charging less into the bargain. And no, of course they’re not all exactly the same ham and egg sandwich anyway,’ he added, pulling a lever and sending a startled director of the Value range into a pool of piranhas. ‘Whatever gave you that idea?’