Piers Morgan is to make a tour of the most dangerous areas of Afghanistan at the invitation of the British armed forces, which they hope could prove ‘a major boost for morale.’ The itinerary will see the much-loved Britain’s Got Talent judge land at 7.30 am next Tuesday at the airstrip 28 miles north of Camp Bastion before waiting, alone, for an hour until a lightly-armed X-86J Land Rover collects him to drive along the scenic Baji Bast Pass, a tight ravine path surrounded by high rocky outposts and dense bushes, often used as excellent cover by Taliban warriors.
The X-86J is a vehicle rarely used by the British army due to the incredibly poor protection offered to the left hand passenger seat, which Mr Morgan will occupy. The army very much hopes this information doesn’t reach the wrong hands.
‘Piers is a national treasure’, Major General Gordon Messenger announced today, ‘and if he were to come to any harm, perhaps during rest stops, which are scheduled between 1015 and 1045h at grid reference 12-65-168-1548, then the morale of our brave troops would be shattered. We would have no choice but to surrender. I pray to God this information is not used against us by our enemies.’