Margaret Thatcher and Norman Tebbit are to engage in mortal combat for the right to be buried in Rudolf Hess’s recently vacated grave. The contest, due to be broadcast on Sky pay-per-view in August, is the result of a bitter feud between the two that’s been raging since Hess’s assorted parts were delicately shovelled into a bin on Wednesday.
Despite a flood of inquiries about the vacant plot from thousands of moribund fascists, Christoph Huber, the cemetery’s caretaker, says Thatcher and Tebbit were the two stand-out candidates. ‘Nick Griffin, Jeremy Clarkson, and Murdoch himself; they’ve all been lining up to jump into Hess’s grave. It’s our most expensive and high-profile hole though, so we can’t just let it out to any old absolutist tosspot.’
He continued, ‘In the end, Margaret Thatcher and Norman Tebbit were the obvious choices. We just couldn’t split them though, so that’s where the idea of the competition came from.’ James Murdoch hopes the carnage, which will unfold to dramatic music on a tilting circular platform, will mark a return to popularity for the beleaguered broadcaster.
‘We’re definitely getting the public back on side with this one. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see ‘The Normanator’ triumphantly plunging a trident into ‘The Iron Lady’ as she writhes, disorientated, under a heavy net?’
He was also quick to calm criticism of the event’s brutality, ‘It’s no more gladiatorial than Britain’s Got Talent, and rest assured the loser’s remains will be respectfully left in a festival toilet.’ Whatever the outcome on the night, Margaret’s son, Mark Thatcher, thinks it could be a fitting end for his mother, ‘It’s how she’d want to go. She always was a massive fan of Trident.’