No. 10 Downing Street has confirmed that after a series of ‘nasty little incidents’ the Prime Minister’s faithful old Business Secretary Vince Cable will now have to wear a muzzle to prevent him attacking Mr Cameron’s friends, even those special, close associates who come in by the back door.
‘I gave him a very stern telling off for snapping at dear old Mr Murdoch, which I think he took on board as he’s been very quiet lately,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘but all of a sudden he’s back to his old tricks again, gnashing his teeth at my American Republican friends simply for wanting to cut benefits and let the rich keep all their money. I mean, really!’
‘I wonder, maybe a new kennel at the Ministry of Defence might persuade him to behave a little better or perhaps we could give him BSkyB back for him to bury in the garden for a while,’ mused Mr Cameron, ‘but all things considered he knows he’s been a very naughty little boy,’ he said, tickling Vince Cable under the chin and adding ‘Yesh you have, oh yesh you have,’ as Cable adoringly glared back at him and showed his teeth in an endearingly aggressive way.
‘Of course you have to understand he was a bit of a lost soul when we found him as a playful 67-year-old puppy who lived in a world without any real hope,’ added Cameron, ‘but one look into those doleful eyes and we knew we could give him a home and a better life. Given the circumstances at the time I think anyone would have done the same. I know Gordon Brown had a go.’
But if the muzzle doesn’t work out and ‘Vincey’ remains agressive towards the Prime Minister’s occasional visitors and wider friends the Prime Minister hinted that, regrettably, further measures may have to be taken. ‘If things don’t improve,’ he said, before lowering his voice to a whisper, ‘we may have to, you know, chop his balls off. I’m keeping my voice down because he’s a clever old dog and I really do think he understands everything I say, and if he hears me say that I just know he’ll go ballistic.’
‘God forbid, maybe even nuclear.’