Britain’s oldest industry will close its doors next month, citing among recent financial constraints, the publics’ “Dwindling appetite for scandal”. The Mill, whose vast foundries have forged speculation, manufactured allegation and fabricated gossip for countless mongers since the dawn of man is set to mothball its base of operations and cease idle chit-chat by the end of August, with the loss of 10,000 jobs.
Name-checking Murdoch and the recent NotW closure, its chairman explained. “There have been tell-tale signs for quite some time, and – while I don’t expect ordinary people to be savvy about the rising cost of tittle-tattle – without ongoing public investment in the product, the spectre of moral bankruptcy was perhaps inevitable. The closure will have a knock-on effect for thousands of related services, such as Gossip-mongers, Fishwives and Quidnuncs.
Gossipy housewife Tracey Higginbottom said in a recent statement: “The business of casual malice and trading of unsubstantiated rumour has been our only means of support since time immemorial. The decision to close the mill, therefore, takes away the very meaning from our lives. She then offered some ‘juicy titbits’ of ‘common knowledge’ for sale concerning the woman next door and a black man, at which point, our reporter made their excuses and left.