An exciting event is being held on the Isle of Wight today to mark the start of the 2012 dwile flonking championships in one year’s time. The Girting Chamber in the Flonking Field just outside Cowes will be officially opened for business, and local champion Tom Weekly will make the first dip of his dwile-tipped driveller into a bucket of beer.
He will then be surrounded by a team of girters, including International Flonking Committee President Jack ‘Frenchie’ Bogge and Cowes 2012 Charman Lord Po, who will join hands and dance in a circle around him, while he spins around in the opposite direction to the girters and flonks his dwile at them.
Lord Po said the event was a ‘big moment’ for the 2012 Cowes Flonking Organising Committee (Coflog), adding that 23 million ticket applications had been made by almost 12 people, which showed the Games had ‘higher levels of support than any previous international flonking event’.
Despite glitches in the booking system, caused by Committee Secretary Ada Scroggins’s telephone breaking when it fell off her milking stool, 10 out of the 12 applicants have been allocated seats in the Field next August, the others having been reserved for ‘Monsieur’ Bogge and Lord Po, although it is open to them to hand them over to corporates with a client base interested in the commercial possibilities of flonking at the highest international level.
Officials are hoping that the 2012 championships will not see a recurrence of the 2008 ‘swadger’ controversy, when contestants were suspected of using a dwile knitted from man-made fibre instead of the traditional Dutch cloth. Both Flonkers and Girters will also be randomly tested to ensure they have not been sampling ale from the gazunder used between snurds.
Frenchie Bogge emphasised that the International Committee would not tolerate any lowering of standards: ‘The jobanowl [referee] has been instructed to levy drinking penalties on any player found not taking the game seriously enough.’
The redecoration of the Girting Chamber was completed on time and just under the budget of £45.00, and plans are well advanced for the post-championship ‘legacy’ which will see the Chamber reverting to its previous use as the public bar of the Stoat and Flagon Inn, available for functions and weddings, at pre-legacy prices, although the pub will also consider offers from West Ham.