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Alcohol fans were celebrating today as Stella Artois, fresh from the launch of their ‘Cidre’ drink, added a further sheen of acceptability to casual drunken violence by unveiling their new ‘Wifebeatre lagre’.

‘At 17% abv, we’re confident that ‘Wifebeatre’ is really going to pack a punch,’ said marketing director Peter Houghey. ‘The British have always admired the French. We love their chic style, their joie de vivre and their willingness to drink all day and abuse strangers. As a brand we want to tap into those values and claw back some of the ground we’ve recently lost to meths and Toilet Duck.’

The move comes as no surprise to industry experts. ‘Stella Artois are keen to build on the success of ‘Cidre’, their French-sounding apple-flavoured tramp fuel that now dominates the crucial town-centre and bus-shelter markets,’ said one drinks analyst. ‘As the advert says, ‘C’est Wifebeatre, not Wifebeater. Express your love with a Gallic je ne sais quoi.’’

Stella Artois had faced criticism after introducing a 4% lager last year, with many questioning the label’s commitment to promoting irresponsible drinking and violent domestic discord. But Houghey is confident ‘Wifebeatre’ has really silenced the critics – often because they’ve been knocked unconscious by people who’ve drunk it.

‘The drink is best served ice-cold to neutralise any rogue flavour that may have crept in during transit,’ explained Houghey. ‘A cold can of the beer also makes a perfect ice pack for black eyes, and each one comes with a range of suggested excuses for those difficult-to-explain injuries: she walked into a door, she ran into my fist, she spilt my last Stella.’

Despite the high-profile launch, members of the Campaign for Real Ale have slammed the new drink claiming the campaign is tasteless. But Houghey dismissed the criticism. ‘Most of that lot haven’t even spoken to a girl. They’re just bittre.’

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Posted: Jul 31st, 2011 by waylandsmithy