Users of the internet, a demographic which includes teenage Asian lesbians, shoppers looking for cheap electrical goods and followers of eat-what-you-want wonder diets, have accused an unnamed online news outlet, described by its editor as the funniest website ever, of stuffing its articles with hot sexy phrases and references to the iPhone 5 so as to manipulate its rankings on the most popular web searches.
‘These allegations are nonsense,’ said the editor of the website, ‘just like most of the saucy gossip and unbelieveable celebrity secrets you read about. Our website is great for kids, families, parents, babies, pets, teachers, managers, countries and businesses and would never construct articles around the use of the hottest, sexiest language so as to make the website turn up in lists of most popular web searches or get mentioned on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, CNN, Google, YouTube, Wikipedia, the BBC or Al-Jazeera.’
The editor, who looks a bit like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Beyonce and puts his ripped six-pack down to the Easy 10-Step Abdominal Workout popularised by men’s magazines offering nudity, fashion and comedy, said that the accusations were worse than those levelled against Rupert Murdoch, Barack Obama, the royal family and The Simpsons. ‘I’m a big fan of Apple products, the X-Factor, Glee and cheap Viagra, and simply love FIFA, Harry Potter and dating sexy singles in your area, so these slurs really hurt.’
‘Far from being concerned with topping lists of most popular web searches,’ he continued, ‘my website operates with integrity and a simple noble aim to compile the hottest, sexiest, fastest, biggest, most popular, cheapest, highest quality news stories in one convenient place with a focus on celebrity gossip, how to attract women, SAT study tips, movie release dates, free music downloads, bus timetables, nude photos, the best Playstation 3 and Xbox games, and lingerie. It’s that simple.’
‘We make no claim to understand cloud computing and viral mobile marketing, to INCREASE YOUR MANHOOD TO MASSIVE SIZE or to be the hottest, sexiest, most popular web search,’ he added. ‘That would just be wrong. Apple.’
Textbook (hat-tips to ronseal, waylandsmithy, and rickwestwell)