MPs say they have no plans to call Piers Morgan for questioning over the alleged hacking of Heather Mills’ phone while they struggle to decide which of the bare-faced whopper-mongers they should believe.
‘From anyone else these accusations would prompt very serious questions, but unfortunately from Ms Mills they just make you roll your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and go la, la, la,’ said Tory MP John Whittingdale, head of the media select committee. ‘We’re dealing here with a woman who, even if she told you herself that she only had the one leg, you’d still do a quick count to be on the safe side. She thinks veracity’s a fashion designer. How can we choose between them? It’s impossible – why couldn’t I be asked to decide on something simpler like whether to turn off someone’s life support machine?’
Fellow committee member Tom Watson MP agreed. ‘Christ, and then you’re left with the option of believing Piers Morgan – a guy who is rumoured to have given a false name during his wedding vows. If his pants were anymore aflame, you’d think Hell was having an open day.’
After discussing the matter for over nine gruelling hours on the day following Ms Mills’ allegations, the Committee was no closer to knowing who to believe. ‘You would imagine that coming from a world knee-deep in Nixons, Clintons, Aitkens and Archers this would be shit off a bull’s back,’ said MP Louise Mensch. ‘But this is probably the first time I’ve encountered two people capable of four-faced lying.’
Labour MP Jim Sheridan added it ‘would be immensely helpful to the work of the committee if both Morgan and Mills would agree to appear before MPs, and then on their way in, drive off a cliff.’
While the Committee’s deliberations continue, Ms Mills has made futher allegations claiming that while in Piers Morgan’s company he admitted he was a warlock and that she witnessed him drink the blood of kittens. In turn, Mr Morgan has sought to draw a line under the matter by arguing that while the alleged illegal hacking was taking place he was playing cards with close friends royal butler Paul Burrell and former Prime Minister Tony Blair. ‘If anyone doubted my word, there’s no way they’d doubt Paul’s and Tony’s,’ he said.