Under new emergency powers to be revealed in Parliament tomorrow, riot police will be able to deploy a specially trained bear to disperse crowds and maintain public order. Each bear has been given strict instructions to chase arsonists, looters or anyone who just looks a bit tasty. ‘We have been more than patient with these people,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘releasing a ferocious 1500 lb carnivore into the area is the only language they will understand.’
A number of bears have already been deployed in various hot spots including behind the counter at TK Maxx, disguised as luxury rugs in Carpetright and hiding in the sock bin at JD Sports.
Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the move: ‘Public confidence will soon be restored,’ he declared, ‘and with polar bears patrolling our streets we have yet another opportunity to re-launch the Big Society, albeit this time with everyone taking part safely barricaded away inside their homes.’