Woman disfigured by chimp ‘feels safer’ after mandrill face transplant
A woman left disfigured by a violent chimp unveiled her new face last night. Keen to avoid any future attacks, doctors have replaced her face with one from a much more intimidating primate.
34 year-old Boston resident Carla Jones had her face torn off by the wayward chimp while trying to teach it peekaboo. To stop others aping the assault, doctors agreed to make her the stuff of nightmares. ‘The chimps aren’t going to mess with Carla again’ Said Dr. Majors, a leading plastic surgeon and casual vet. ‘One look at her massive, mandrill head and they’ll be running away screaming, just like her kids.’
Attacks by chimps are thankfully rare in suburban areas, but doctors didn’t want to take any chances. ‘It’s a complex operation, so we don’t want to have to repeat the work. Aside from the difficult neurological surgery, you have to make sure you get the face on straight before the glue sets.’
Consultants will take Mrs Jones to a zoo this week, to try and establish her new position in the food chain. Dr Majors is cautiously optimistic, but has warned Carla that further surgery may still be necessary: ‘It’s possible that a snarling, fanged mandrill face may be a bit too aggressive. If that is the case, we’ll have to consider toning it down by fitting her with a disarming big, blue arse.’
The medical team are pleased with her progress. Initial tests have shown that even a polar bear would think twice about confronting Mrs Jones, and her home life is starting to return to normal. ‘My husband’s been very supportive, and his night terrors aren’t so frequent,’ said Carla. ‘He’s even hung a tyre in the garden for me.’
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Posted: Aug 12th, 2011 by waylandsmithy
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