After suggestions that Arsene Wenger flouted his latest touchline ban by relaying phone messages to players via his assistant, UEFA have called for the Arsenal boss to watch his team’s second leg clash away to Italian club Udinese from the International Space Station.
The Arsenal manager faces censure after the governing body were shown additional footage during the Champions’ League qualifier of a besuited Wenger creeping along row B on his hands and knees shouting “pssst” in the general direction of Robin Van Persie. Wenger will also be asked to explain video evidence of a paper aeroplane being launched towards the back four with the words “push up” scrawled across it in biro.
UEFA believe the only way to put a stop to Wenger’s antics is to place him as far away from the ground as possible: in a low earth orbit at a distance of 330km above Udinese’s stadium. Last night UEFA warned Wenger against making any endeavours to relay directions to his team as he passes over Italy once every thirty minutes.
UEFA boss Sepp Blatter said, “Any attempt by Wenger to use the craft’s solar panels to flash instructions to his players in Morse code could result in the certain deaths of the entire crew and a possible five match ban.”