Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson today announced his intention to come out of retirement for one last ditch attempt at rape. Despite being successfully convicted of rape in 1992 and sentenced to six years in prison, of which he served three years, many fans failed to take the rape seriously, continuing to treat the ex-boxer as a hero.
‘I didn’t know what else to do,’ explained Tyson. ‘I’ve spent the last two decades doing everything I possibly could to disgrace myself – raping a woman, biting another man’s ear off, having most of my face tattooed – and none of it seemed to make a blind bit of difference. I still got treated like an idol wherever I went.’
‘I remember the days when convicted rapists got the disrespect they deserved, but those days are sadly long gone. Now I’m reduced to being swamped by adoring fans, holding court in the VIP areas of night clubs and making presentations at awards ceremonies. I’m confident though that if I could just get one more shot at rape, I’d show people that they were wrong to have ever doubted my talents as a sexually violent, mentally unstable beast.’
Meanwhile in Britain, former heavyweight boxing contender Frank Bruno has also decided to come out of retirement. ‘If Tyson can do it then so can I.’ said the boxer who nearly defeated him in 1989. ‘ I’m going to give one more shot at playing Widow Twanky in the Wimbledon Theatre Panto.’