Boffins at the Royal Observatory at Greenwich have revealed that they have never actually been able to get atomic clocks to work properly and have, for the last thirty years, been taking the standard for world time from the bowel movements of Billericay resident, James Watson.
‘I’ve been regular as clockwork since I was 15.’ explained Mr Watson. ‘I just ring them up when I’m done and they adjust the world time system accordingly. You really can set your watch by it.’
The admission that all the money spent on atomic clocks so small you can’t even see them has been essentially flushed down the toilet has opened many other projects to scrutiny, leading CERN to admit that it still finds most of its particles down the back of the sofa, and Tom-Tom to confess that its Sat Navs, far from using the NAVSTAR global positioning system, in fact just keep an eye out for the M25 and blag it from there.