In response to his country’s soaring national debt and downgrading of its credit rating by Standard & Poor’s, Silvio Berlusconi has announced that if he is to have sex as a privilege of office he will now be asking to be paid for it, up front, with all proceeds going towards repayment of Italy’s national debt.
The move, which is proving popular among the Italian electorate, means that he will no longer be influenced by the charms of beautiful up-and-coming young actresses and instead will focus all his charisma on desirable older European women of means, for the good of the nation.
‘The obvious choice is of course Germany,’ Berlusconi explained, ‘and I have made my intentions known to Angela Merkel, but so far without success. She says there isn’t enough beer in the world, let alone Germany, but at these desperate times I will just have to persist and know that she will succumb in the end, and that it will be worth about £2billion in Euros to pay our creditors, reduce burgeoning public spending deficits and retrench our economy back where it belongs in the 21st century, such will be the rapture that she will find at my hands.’
‘Luxembourg and Liechtenstein are of course also on the list,’ he added, ‘and my government has prepared a list of heiresses and bored bankers’ wives who, because of my status, will find me irresistible and will be willing to pay what is for them petty cash for my services, but which will fund a hundred jobs a time in hard pressed places like Genoa.’
Aides to Snr Berlusconi have prepared calling cards inviting readers to contact Sexy Silvio on a premium rate number in Rome accompanied by pictures of the Italian Prime Minister clearly winking at them in romantic holiday poses, and have left them in the European Parliament and other strategically important financial institutions across the Eurozone.
‘I am willing to do this,’ Berlusconi added, ‘but I’m doing this for Italy, and will get no pleasure for myself, you understand.’
But the biggest prize with the biggest potential return remains Christine Lagarde, head of the IMF, whom Snr Berlusconi has long had a soft spot for which he is confident can be easily cured with viagra. ‘What a woman,’ he said. ‘Powerful, intelligent and backed up by so many billions of Euros it makes my eyes water at the ecstacy I can give with a little pillow talk about fiscal stimulation, you know, and the rest will follow as night follows day. Of course, a woman isn’t a woman if she isn’t aroused by interesting proposals about taxation.’
But through everything Berlusconi remains nostalgic for the good old days. ‘If only Margaret Thatcher was still on the scene. She was the only one who ever really understood what is meant by good, hard, exciting application of financial services,’ he lamented. ‘But as far as Britain is concerned these days, all I can do is to make a pass at Michael Gove, and hope for the best.’