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Rugby to end ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ and admit heterosexuals

rugger buggersThe International Rugby Board has finally bowed to pressure and agreed to lift the policy which has sought to bar openly-heterosexual players from the game. Until this week the sport’s governing body had embraced a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on the grounds that a propensity to engage in sexual acts with members of the opposite sex would undermine the game’s reputation and be detrimental to the morale of the homosexual majority.

‘Although ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ had served to conceal the sexuality of those few straight men and women who chose to spend their time groping, hugging and wrestling others of the same sex, we know accept that it was morally wrong,’ said Bernard Lapasset, chairman of the IRB. ‘It has long been recognised in law that discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is wrong, so it’s about time the sport of rugby accepted that if you are a man who wants to play with odd-shaped balls and then go home to engage in sexual relations with a woman, that is entirely your own business.’

The controversial policy had long been opposed by equalities groups after a succession of closet heterosexuals were forced to hang up their boots after being ‘outed’ by their homosexual teammates. Other straight players have been persecuted, many for what their teammates described as ‘sloppy personal hygiene’ after choosing to nip off straight after a game and shower at home.

‘I always knew I was different to the other lads,’ said one anonymous Welsh player today. ‘Some of the team used to tease me because I didn’t seem to enjoy it enough when I had my head between another man’s legs in the scrum. But I love the sport and wanted to represent my country. It always felt unfair that I couldn’t do that just because I liked a bit of fanny.’

But now even hardline gays seem to have accepted the change in policy. ‘I suppose it’s not the end of the world if these straight fellas want to play the game,’ said one. ‘Just don’t go rubbing our faces in it by bringing their girlfriends to the games. No one wants to see some dirty WAGs among the HABs.’

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Posted: Sep 24th, 2011 by Long Distance Clara

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