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The news before it happens…

Archive for September, 2011

Surgeons succeed in joining twins together

In an operation lasting nearly 30 hours, surgeons have succeeded in joining the identical twins Sue and Jane Grover, aged 9, together. Cases of non-joined twins are not rare at all and the decision to join them together is never an easy one for parents, but their father Nigel, a bus driver from Portsmouth, said; ‘We are all [mum, dad and twins] so happy that it’s all turned out so well.’

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Posted: Sep 20th, 2011
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Pensioner arrested over napalm ‘intruder’ death

A Norfolk pensioner has been arrested in connection with the napalm death of a suspected intruder at her home on Saturday night. A charred pile of human remains was discovered on the welcome mat inside the front door of her bungalow by police who had been alerted to an incident by concerned residents.

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Posted: Sep 20th, 2011
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Home Office to phase out full-facial passport photos for gimps

The Home Office is to waive the rule which insists on a full-facial photograph where the applicant is a leather-clad sex slave habitually used to peering through a mask.

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2011
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Campaign to make Gangsta an official language

Following Dr David Starkey’s declaration on Newsnight that the white population from Tottenham to Clapham has now ‘integrated into the pervasive black Gangsta culture’, the Welsh Language Society – with its long experience of protest campaigns – has been advising this community on how to have Gangsta recognised as an official language by the UK and EU authorities.

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2011
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Man has bargain £90 rowing machine sent straight to council recycling facility

‘It got me thinking’ said Richards ‘Why should I go to the trouble of assembling the bloody machine, leaving it unused for five years before having to dismantle it and take it to the tip?’

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2011
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