‘I was gob-smacked when I read the small print,’ admitted Greek Prime Minister, George Papandreou, in hastily-learned German, now the official language of Greece. ‘There we were, celebrating the fact that we were safe from bankruptcy for at least another week, when someone pointed out a clause tucked away on the back page that meant that we are now officially a German annexe. It’s a blow, but I’m sure in a few years time the Americans will be over here to bail us all out properly… They’re skint too? Oh, bugger. China perhaps?’
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has sought to play down the news. ‘There is nothing sinister about this,’ she said. ‘This is just about doing what’s best for the EU. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to spend the weekend on my new Greek island.’ Leaked documents from the Chancellor’s office later revealed that Spain and Portugal are also being lined up to become German territories, and that Italy has already been in contact with Berlin to offer itself as a German annexe.
Following talks in Berlin which confirmed that Britain would never be joining the Euro, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has reassured the British public that the UK would not be seeking a similar bailout deal with Germany. ‘It’s solvency in our time!’ he proudly announced as he waved a copy of the agreement in the air while disembarking from his EasyJet flight.
David Cameron confirmed Britain’s long-standing opposition to the Euro, telling reporters: ‘We shall fight them in the stock exchange, we shall fight them in the square mile, we shall fight them in the hedge-funds. We shall never join the European Single Currency.’ He added: ‘Never in the history of human conflict have so many owed so much to… Well, who do we owe all our money to? Anybody know?’