In an announcement that will delight shoppers and the city alike, a fourteen-figure sum of Nectar points will be released into the economy to boost consumer spending. Eight billion air miles will also be created, enough for a family of four to travel to RAF Northolt and back (terms and conditions apply), while Boots Advantage Card owners will get a free nail care kit.
Junior Industry Minister Sally Jones said the scheme was the result of months of negotiating between retailers, the bank and government. ‘“Generous” is a loaded term in these difficult times, but we feel that this recovery package will stimulate consumer confidence, tend the green shoots of economic recovery and ensure no-one misses out on double points when you spend over a tenner on personal hygiene products,’ she said.
‘The Nectar deal alone is thought to be worth the value of one 200 gram box of unbranded cereal for every man, woman and child in the south east of England. And Air Mile collectors with more than 10,000 miles will, as a result, be entitled to a packet of cheesy biscuits on selected flights, provided they travel on the fourth Tuesday of the month in Class Y674 when Saturn is rising in the house of Aquarius.’
There are also moves to make quantitative easing more economic. Treasury spokesman Norman Armstrong said: ‘Printing the £64 billion the government will feed into the economy to help kick start growth doesn’t come cheap. So, in a pilot scheme, the government has emailed pdfs of three twenty pound notes to the whole adult population of Doncaster, along with a licence authorising their printing.’
Sceptics have criticised the scheme, but Industry Minister Sally Jones countered that: ‘With the increase in loyalty points put in place, there’s never been a better time to buy a full colour printer and a range of coloured inks. So get down to Argos.’
If successful in the UK, there are plans to roll similar schemes out throughout the Eurozone to boost the ailing single currency. ‘I only wish we’d thought of it first,’ said one anonymous MEP. ‘If we’d collected Clubcard points on the Greek bailout, I’d finally have enough for a ticket to Chessington World of Adventures.’