As British Summer Time draws to a close and the clocks prepare to go back, the Secretary of State is to conduct an analysis of the costs and benefits of adopting the highly controversial U.S. Standard Hammer Time throughout the UK. The concept of Hammer Time was introduced in the early 1990s by the recording artist MC Hammer on his top-selling meisterwerk ‘Please Hammer – Don’t Hurt ‘Em’ and, although highly regarded at the time, its popularity waned after a series of poor-selling follow up albums.
Lord Lee of Trafford, chair of the Association of Leading Visitor Attractions stated that the move to Hammer Time was growing in support and that, in contrast to current daylight saving time, its funky chilled vibe would help the tourist industry feel like a fly motherfucker.
Also in the ‘Yes’ camp is Susie Thompson of the Road Safety Commission who maintains that children making their way home from school on dark afternoons will be more visible to motorists if they wear voluminous brightly coloured trousers and engage in sporadic bouts of breakdancing.
However those against the move point out that Hammer Time is purely conceptual, indeed may even be non-linear, and will do little to alleviate the dark winter mornings experienced in the northern half of the UK. The National Farmers’ Union in Scotland remain vehemently opposed to the move.
Union spokesman Andy MacDonald said, ‘Without wanting to diss Hammer Time, many of our members are uneasy about the prospect of having to tend sheep on dark winter mornings wearing large trousers, raybans and lots of bling. Things right now are tough enough for farmers as it is. Sometimes we pray – that’s right we pray – we got to pray just to make it today. ‘
‘It is a typically London-centric attitude’, MaDonald continued. ‘Homeboys gotta know this shit ain’t workin’. The current system works perfectly fine. You must not, indeed cannot touch this. ‘
If the new system is adopted, businesses will be required to provide employees with regular Hammer Time intervals, which are to be spent well away from their workstations in areas where they will be encouraged to ‘break it down’. However, among the remaining obstacles is the issue of whether to refer to the godfather of Hammer Time as ‘MC Hammer’ or just plain ‘Hammer’. A particularly attractive alternative for tourism, business and farmers alike appears to be the notion of time as promulgated by Snoop Dogg on his seminal work The Bidness.
Martin Llewellyn of the Small Business Forum said Snoop Dogg’s idea of time is more preferable to anyone running a small to medium-sized firm as it dispenses instantly with the notion that one must waste valuable business hours on ‘haters’ and ‘skank-assed hoes‘.