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Over-crowding on Britain’s rail network could soon become a thing of the past, according to transport experts. A scheme encouraging rail users to accept each other in a tight embrace could increase capacity by up to 30%, although some passenger groups have been a little stand-offish.

“Hugging a complete stranger for an hour or so can be mildly uncomfortable”, acknowledged Peter Talbot of Virgin Rail, “Especially if they’re a bit bony. But after a few trips you learn to avoid eye contact and it quickly becomes the ‘norm’. A lot of the chaps have been incredibly game about the whole thing. Although regrettably, three of them are now the subject of a police investigation.”

Passengers are handed laminated cards with some basic guidelines to read before adopting the embrace position. “Travellers are encouraged to cling cheek-to-cheek, to avoid that awkward feeling when someone peers over your shoulder at the newspaper”, explained Talbot. “They can help each other relax by whispering small-talk about the weather, although we definitely don’t encourage nuzzling. Not in economy class, anyway.”

Talbot is keen to avoid any misunderstandings with the new arrangement. “Hands must remain above waist height at all times, and we recommend wearing oven gloves: it can save a lot of messing about with false accusations and lengthy criminal recriminations. Our guards are more than happy to rummage through your pockets for a ticket, but it’s in everyone’s interest for the gents to ‘double-pant’, for that extra bit of privacy.”

Commuters who wish to take advantage of the toilet facilities can draw attention to their plight with ‘waltz’ buttons in the ceiling panels. “When pressed, the ‘waltzer’ plays chamber music, a prompt for commuters to slowly turn clockwise, and swap partners with anyone waving a ‘bathroom’ flag”, Talbot enthused. “Once they’ve arrived, we’ll allow their current partner to stand outside, and cough loudly to mask any unpleasantness.”

There are a few drawbacks to the scheme, although Virgin confirmed that an increase in ticket sales had more than covered the lost takings from the buffet trolley. “Some of the more benevolent commuters have started tucking dry snacks under their collars or armpits, for their fellow travellers to forage for. Naturally, personal hygiene is now much more important, so we’ve issued some of the more ‘seasoned’ users a ‘Piquant Traveller’s Card’, which can be used to buy soap at the ticket office. And to those with particularly sensitive noses, we’re more than happy to supply snorkels.”

The trial scheme is set to spread across the rail network, once Virgin has fully learned from the experience. “It would appear we underestimated just how far you can push a commuter, with no noticeable reaction at all. It’s been an important lesson for us, in future we’ll use far fewer carriages.”

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Posted: Oct 11th, 2011 by waylandsmithy