Changes to the royal succession laws unveiled this week mean that future potential kings and queens of the United Kingdom will now be selected by a new ITV talent show which requires contestants to prove their ability as a monarch and win a public telephone vote.
‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’
The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’
The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups. Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.
Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’
Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’
bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)