Tabloid columnists were up in arms today after battalions of overzealous health and safety officials – dubbed ‘Health and Safety Nazis’ – were seen marching across the Polish border wearing hard hats and high-visibility jackets, and armed to the teeth with clipboards and pens.
‘Just don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ said Richard Littlejohn today. ‘Those Health and Safety Nazis had been getting too big for their steel toe-capped, ankle-supporting boots for too long now. In fact I’m surprised an invasion took them so long, but then I suppose they had all those risk assessments to complete. Who do they think are going round imposing their twisted world view on people? If I didn’t detest the very concept, I’d say this was a flagrant abuse of human rights.’
According to the Daily Mail, Poles had watched anxiously for days as ranks of Health and Safety Nazis had massed along the border. Vehicles reversed into position beeping to warn bystanders of the approaching hazard, while troops manoeuvred heavy equipment by keeping their backs straight, bending their knees and letting their thighs take the strain. At intervals lookouts were stationed on ladders, a fellow officer standing on the lowest rung to provide a safe and secure base at all times.
‘God knows what those killjoys will do,’ continued Littlejohn. ‘They won’t be happy until there are cones around every trip hazard and ‘Slippery when wet’ signs beside all the lakes. I wouldn’t rule out an aerial bombardment of the country with educational leaflets, but not before advance forces have laid out ‘Caution – Men working ahead’ signs. This can’t be allowed to go on – we must find a final solution.’
However, by late afternoon jubilant Daily Mail reporters on the scene were claiming the invasion had failed. ‘Countless captured Poles sustained paper cuts from being forced to read the Nazis’ ‘Staying Safe in the Concentration Camps’ propaganda – it was a bloodbath. Soon after the Führer of the invading force, Adolf Jobsworth, retreated to his bunker, put on protective ear muffs and shot himself in the head with a cap gun. It was a victory for common sense.’