An anti-capitalist protester camping outside St Paul’s Cathedral in London confirmed today that the experience has inspired him to start ‘ProtestEx’ – the world’s first event management company dedicated to ‘making sure your bid to overthrow the status quo goes without a hitch’.
‘The people running this one have done brilliantly,’ said Christopher James of Kingham, Oxfordshire. ‘It’s a great central location, near Starbucks and Pizza Express, and there’s plenty of opportunities for a few sherbets in the evening. But all the organisers are hippies and unemployed, so they had some time on their hands, and that got me thinking – what if you wanted to start a protest but couldn’t fit the destruction of the entire bourgeois rentier system into your busy working schedule? You’d need an events manager – just like if you were planning to get married.’
ProtestEx offers to handle all aspects of creating a protest, from catering to communication to accommodation. ‘We can even sell you colour co-ordinated tents that spell out your aims when viewed from a BBC helicopter – I’ve got a source in Shanghai,’ said Mr James. ‘But I’m also looking to branch out into other causes. Fox hunting, anti-nuclear, anti-Murdoch – you name it, we’ll help you hate it. Obviously we can’t promise your protest will succeed, but we can guarantee you unlimited skinny macchiatos during the attempt. If things go well I’m hoping for a stock market flotation in 2015.’
‘What we want is to make sure your big day goes off without a hitch,’ he continued. ‘You can’t have just anyone turning up, so we’ve negotiated favourable security rates with G4. Can you imagine if gypos showed up on your campsite with their dogs, unruly children and big fat brides? Nightmare! The last thing you want when demonstrating to save the world is a bunch of selfish people only worried about their own needs. We’ll stop them for you – for a fee.’