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US announces staged withdrawal from ‘spillage in aisle 14’

still considering pre-emptive strike on LidlUS President Barack Obama has promised that all US troops will exit from Tesco Extra, Chingford by 2019 ‘at the very latest’. The staged withdrawal, is set to begin in earnest September 2013 – before the start of the unforgiving ‘English winter’ – with the removal of 12,000 troops from the Jams, Spreads, Preserves and Marmalades aisle. This will be followed by the closure of encampments in neighbouring ‘pasta and cooking sauces’ and the heavily guarded ‘world foods’ section in 2015.

President Obama made the announcement in a televised address on the fifth anniversary of forces entering Aisle 14, initially to clear up a jar of diabetic cherry jam accidentally dropped by a customer.

‘This is not yet the endgame, but it is at least the beginning of the opening move of the endgame,’ a triumphant Obama told America in the 10 minute address. ‘The floor of aisle 14 is already a safer and markedly less slippery place then it was this time last year.’

The American public are increasingly sceptical of the intervention, however. ‘We were told it would only take a few minutes to clean up the breakage, but here we are, five years later,’ complained Brad, a call centre worker from Iowa. ‘No sooner were our boys in there, then several jars of Tiptree thick cut lime marmalade went flying, followed by the whole Nutella BOGOF concession. This is Waitrose, South Harrow all over again.’

‘If you’ll forgive the pun, they’re spreading themselves way too thinly,’ commented USA Today defence correspondent Laurence Eagelgruber. ‘Straight away they were sucked into a series of minor skirmishes: disciplining screaming toddlers by the crisps, nuts and confectionery, not to mention detonating all the unexpected items in the bagging area. I doubt that Chingford shoppers will be able to self-serve for many years now.’

The President has promised that the withdrawal will be accompanied by an extensive reconstruction campaign for the heavily cratered Tesco store – still largely situated at a roundabout on the A113 to Waltham Abbey. A lengthy tendering process has been concluded after 48 hours following a ‘surprisingly reasonable’ bid from US-based ‘Walmart International Construction Co.’

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Posted: Nov 15th, 2011 by Skylarking

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