‘After the resounding success of the new governments in Italy and Greece, the obvious next problem to solve was Britain,’ said German chancellor Angela Merkel. ‘Our experience is that nobody there has a bloody clue how to run anything, not the trains, not the economy, nothing, not even in the House of Lords. But we asked around a bit and it turns out that British pubs are absolutely stuffed to the rafters with people who know exactly how to run the country, but have no interest in being elected. Just the technocrats we’re looking for.’
Mrs Merkel said that the UK government would resign ‘within days’ to make way for a new Cabinet of bleazed know-it-alls each claiming some half-baked idea to get the country out of its mess. The markets rose sharply on the news, indicating that most people think this would be a substantial improvement on the Coalition.
‘We already have a two-point plan for fixing the economy, a one-stage approach to mending the transport system, and a couple of vague ideas about transforming education and making petrol 90% cheaper,’ said a spokesman for the incoming government. ‘The only thing we can’t agree on is what to do about immigration – we really want to send them all home, but we’re not sure who there’ll be to serve drinks and change the barrels if we do that. What we need is somebody with an even vaguer grasp of the issues than us – I know, we’ll ask Theresa May to decide.’