Scotland Yard has announced drastic plans to fast track a special breed of unorthodox, heavy drinking, rule-breaking detectives with an uncanny knack of bringing scumbags to justice, despite not playing by the rules.
The recruitment campaign will target portly middle aged men who will stop at nothing to bring down vermin, even if it does mean busting some heads. They will mainly be recently divorced misogynists who drive a sporty car which isn’t as expensive as it first appears.
“We need men stare into the middle distance, while laughing at the futility of the stinking bureaucracy that they have to put up with,” the Yard said. “If we can arrive at a situation where most cases are closed with culprits receiving a crushing putdown from an officer who then drives off into the sunset in a burgundy Mazda, progress will have been made.”