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Tesco officially owns ‘every-fuckin’-thing’

Tesco CEO Sir Terry Leahy has announced that, after completing the acquisition of the Co-Op and the Happy Garden Chinese takeaway in Bromsgrove, it now owns every-fuckin’-thing in the whole fuckin’ country.

‘A few years ago, when it emerged that £1 out of every £8 spent on groceries in the UK was in Tesco, I said that left £7 to go for and the bankers just fuckin’ smirked,’ said Leahy. ‘So I thought ”Right, you fuckers’ and decided not just to take over the entire fuckin’ food chain but every other fuckin’ thing as well’.

After a busy six months buying Homebase,  Boot’s, Asda, the Blue Cross charity shop and funkypigeon.com, Tesco had to dig deep to buy Sainsbury’s too. This was, admitted Leahy ‘fuckin’ expensive’ but was achieved with an interest-free loan off Tesco Bank that was guaranteed by Tesco’s Insurance.  ‘Then the Monopolies Commission started sniffing round, so we said ‘Fuck that for a game of soldiers’ and bought them too.’

Leahy also dismissed as ‘unsubstantiated’ rumours that he has yet to acquire a border terrier in Herefordshire called Monty who was recently seen cocking his leg on a discarded Tesco trolley. He also revealed that the traditional view that Tesco is using  its immense buying power to reduce prices and drive customer loyalty is actually ‘bollocks’.

”Buying power? We don’t have to buy ANY-fuckin’-thing because we own EVERY-fuckin’-thing,’ he said. ‘Want to demonstrate about it? That’s fine with us, we own all three placard makers in Britain. Or e-mail your complaints to your MP? Tough titty, we own Hewlett Packard, Dell and BT too. And your MP. Actually, we’ve always owned the fuckin’ MP….’

Oxbridge

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Posted: Nov 23rd, 2011 by Guest

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