NewsBiscuit

Chancellor George Osborne has confounded his critics by suggesting a series of wildcat, 24-hour public sector strikes. In a notable shift from his earlier stance on industrial action, Osborne embraced the idea, and made the change effective immediately saying today would be a holiday for Britain’s hard-pressed, hard-working families and was essentially a gift from the government to the people to provide them with an extra shopping day before Christmas, and so bolster the British economy.

As many as 2 million workers seem set to take up the generous offer which, Osborne added, would not have been available under the last Labour goverment.

‘In order to reduce the national debt, I’m encouraging people in the public sector to go a day without pay, have an hour or two of peaceful griping in the morning followed by some serious shopping after lunch,’ announced Osborne, ‘perhaps you could start straight away? For the sake of the nation, don’t take your kids to school, take them to the shops instead,’ he urged, and asked everyone to remember this was completely his idea, as he stood outside No. 11 Downing Street, marketing his plan by burning a little effigy of himself.

Union leaders rejected the Chancellor’s call to join him in forgoing a day’s pay, pointing out that they had a lot more to lose. ‘Running a union is technically a private sector job, so it’s important that I’m on hand to draw on all my years’ experience of earning £500k per annum,’ explained Unite leader Derek Simpson. ‘Obviously, we only propose strikes when it’s for the benefit of our members, and nothing gives the little fellas more of a boost than seeing me on telly, cheering them on and taking the credit.’ Simpson pointed out that fewer public sector workers would lead to a smaller union, ‘That puts too much of a burden on those that are left, they’re already struggling to keep me in my massive grace-and-favour house.’

Whilst union leaders and politicians failed to reach an agreement on who had come up with the idea of not working, Osborne was quick to offer to extend the idea to a more permanent arrangement, particularly among council employees in Labour’s heartland. ‘I want to show the electorate that I’m listening to them. If they tell me they want to stop working and not get paid, I’m more than happy to oblige. We need to find answers to some difficult questions, such as ‘do we really need schools in the North East?’.’

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls was critical of the plan at first but after detailed analysis hinted that he was completely up for taking some time to pop down the high street to support the ailing HMV by buying an Antiques Roadshow box set of DVDs, and weeping all day about people on the show who had spent too much and found they would be getting very little in return.

Ed Miliband looked slightly surprised when he heard an argument had broken out over exactly whose strike it was; the strongest indication yet that he’s still conscious. Meanwhile the rest of the British public resigned themselves to their part in the spat between millionaires. ‘I’m bailing out the banks the only way I know how,’ explained one tired-looking office worker. ‘I’m applying for another credit card, so I can afford to buy fuel to get to work. And at 30% interest. Now, that’s a bargain.’

Posted: Nov 30th, 2011 by waylandsmithy