Credit rating agency Standard & Poor’s has today warned newly discovered planet Kepler 22-b that it may downgrade its AAA credit rating if it fails to put appropriate measures in place to kick-start its flagging economy.
‘The planet has similar life-supporting conditions to Earth,’ said one scientist. ‘However, like Earth it also has soaring levels of national debt, high unemployment and first-time buyers and small businesses who are struggling to obtain finance.’
The markets reacted badly to S&P’s announcment, with the Kepler 22-b FTSE losing 164 points in the first light year of trading today. ‘Unless they approve a programme of austerity measures quickly they may have to default on their debts and effectively become bankrupt,’ explained the BBC’s Robert Peston. ‘That could see them having to leave the Euro, or even the galaxy.’
However, politicians around the world remain hopeful that a planet may exist somewhere in the Milky Way that is capable of sustaining a thriving capitalist economy. ‘Surely there must be one out there somewhere that can lend us the billions of dollars we need to bail us all out,’ said US President Barack Obama, ‘and until we find it we’ll continue to pump billions of dollars into looking for it.’