With the nation going to the polls today, the three X-Factor finalists have been campaigning hard all week and announcing a string of poorly thought out promises designed to give them a short-term popularity boost among the crucial floating voters.
‘The remaining contestants are well aware how tight this could be,’ explained the BBC’s political editor, Nick Robinson, ‘So, much like Nick Clegg, they are each targeting specific groups of voters with promises they have no intention of keeping. It could all come down to who does the best job of sounding sincere while announcing tax cuts they are in no position to deliver. Will Amelia Lily’s reduction in fuel duty prove more popular than Little Mix’s improved public sector pensions? Only time will tell.’
Finalist Marcus Collins has announced the most ambitious list of promises in an attempt to add to his current fan base. Cuts in road tax and alcohol and tobacco duties will be coupled with increased spending on health and education, along with six extra bank holidays. Amelia Lily has described Marcus’s plan for economic recovery as ‘pure fantasy’, claiming it would send the budget deficit spiralling out of control.
But many voters are unimpressed with all the candidates. ‘I won’t be voting for Marcus or Amelia, no matter what they promise,’ said one. ‘I never used to vote because I was disillusioned with the whole system, but then somebody explained to me that people had fought and died in two World Wars for my democratic right to call a premium rate phone line. I don’t particularly understand any of it, so I’ll just be voting for Little Mix as that’s what my family has always done. My dad voted for Little Mix, and his dad before him, all the way back to my great-granddad.’
When asked to explain how he will balance the budget despite reducing revenue and increasing spending, Marcus responded with an emotional appeal to the electorate. ‘I’m not really sure about the numbers to be honest, but I spoke to my mentor, Gary Barlow, and he assured me that if I want it enough it will happen. I just can’t believe I’m in the final, it’s a dream come true and I don’t want it to end,’ he said, before bursting into tears.
Despite the fierce campaigning, Simon Cowell was looking nervous as the night drew on. ‘The exit polls aren’t looking good. If we’re not careful we’re going to end up with a hung verdict and a coalition supergroup no one wants.’