After three consecutive quarters of disappointing sobriety, Paul Gascoigne is to lose his AA status, says credit worthiness news agency Standards & Phwoarr! The effect could see the former England footballer devalued, as news currency, on the tabloid markets.
“We deeply regret the demise of Paul Gascoigne’s news worthiness,” said a spokesman, “and it was with great sadness that we were forced into this decision. But when viewed from a hard headed, commercial perspective, it looks like the marketability of Gascoigne’s private life will not recover.”
The Gazza was once a blue chip commodity on the news market and the first choice for any editors looking to assemble a basket of news currencies. But it’s been an open secret that the Gazza is no longer performing in the way that news traders wanted. There has been a massive decline in interest in The Gazza among the agents who make a living from human capital, such as football fixers, marketing men, celebrity bookers and radio 2 DJs. Mentions of Gazza on Radio 2 have plummeted, from a peak a few years ago when showbiz luminaries such as Chris Evans and Danny Baker would openly declare their love for the front page commodity.
One expert explained the popularity of The Gazza. “[The] Gazza covered every inch of the newspaper. He’d appear in a box at the back page (ten reasons England must take Gazza) then he’d pop up a front page box (three reasons why Gazza is a disgrace),” says one tabloid editor.
But ironically, when Gazza stopped getting legless, the value of this news commodity no longer had legs. Then something happened that nobody could have predicted.
The endorsements from showbiz friends suddenly dried up. The undying friendships of normally rock solid players on the news currency markets, such as Radio 2 DJs, inexplicably died. Nobody could have predicted that this would happen.
Now, The Gazza looks to be finished as a news commodity. “I just hope he’s pleased with himself,” said one tabloid newspaper editor. “There were a lot of people making a good living out of the Gazza. Now they’re going to have to find something else to do. It’s alright for some innit?”