A spokesman for Buckingham Palace has promised an immediate investigation into claims that popular discount website Groupon was offering customers the chance to purchase a place on the 2012 New Year Honours list.
‘This is a very serious matter and we need to determine whether there is any truth in these rumours.’ said the spokesman, ‘If these honours were available for sale to anybody, rather than by nomination from the right sort of people, then we could end up with commoners receiving awards, and that really wouldn’t do.’
Peter Vaughan, an unemployed 19 year old from Luton, who now has an MBE for services to being great at doing sex, explained; ‘I’ve never had much luck with the ladies, so when I saw that I could get an award from £60 through Groupon, and choose what it was for, I thought this could reverse my fortunes. I’ve been wearing my medal everywhere I go, and I’m getting noticed a lot more by girls. I’ve already been the subject of two restraining orders, and I’ve only had it a couple of days.’
The Palace spokesman added; ‘To be honest the awards for ‘general all round awesomeness’ and for ‘pwning noobs at Call of Duty’ did seem a little suspicious at the time. I suppose that also explains how someone got a CBE for ‘being Helena Bonham Carter’. What? That was a real one? You’re joking right?’