New evidence shows that millions of ego implants inserted into the heads of celebrities and children in recent decades may be faulty, and the government has today called on those who installed them to offer their removal from anyone still coherent enough to request it.
Originally designed to prolong the careers of celebrities as their original talent started to droop, or to add the illusion of depth where the talent was too thin to start with, the implants were initially hailed as a triumph with the likes of Boyzone and the Spice Girls in the 1990s.
They contain no harmful substances as such. In fact they work best when empty, although early examples contained a low-grade vacuum and were prone to implosion. For singers such as Robbie Williams, each collapse meant that in order to provide a sufficient ego boost, the next implant had to be even bigger than the one before.
Later models containing rarefied air were more stable and cheaper to manufacture. The implants were also reshaped so they could be inserted nasally without any specialist training, and soon the practice was no longer restricted to TV producers and talent show mentors seeking to provide a quick-fix boost to the fragile egos in their care.
Teachers and parents everywhere began giving implants to millions of children to provide instant self-esteem. ‘It was so much easier than the traditional methods of working to develop something of real substance, or accepting what nature had given you,’ rued one utterly despondent teacher, who is considering the procedure for himself.
But with the recent irrationally optimistic behaviour of Eurozone leaders – all thought to be carrying the implants – highlighting the inherent flaws in the procedure, a major review has been undertaken and the conclusions are worrying. ‘It appears that the hot air inside the implants causes them to expand as time goes on, gradually pushing out genuine brain tissue, leading to a frenzy of public apathy,’ said a scientist. ‘Unless urgent action is taken, we’ll have created a whole generation of complete airheads.’
‘It will be a difficult task for anyone to understand the nature of the problem and have the balls, and yes, a big enough ego to act decisively,’ he added. ‘We recommend an upgrade to Ego Implant version 2.343, manufactured by PIP.’