Judges at a competition to find the best singer aged 11-14 at a mid-budget holiday camp in Torquay recently were relieved to announce that the final decision had been ‘very easy’ to reach. The winner, Minnie Henderson, was ‘the only halfway competent kid’ in a bad field of seven ‘dismal’ performers.
‘It’s so strange,’ said head judge and holiday camp manager Tim Porter, ‘usually it gets better and better every year. This must be the first time in our eight-year history we haven’t had a statistically implausible group of nine or ten inexplicably talented divas. Frankly I find it very strange none of them have ever gone on to successful pop careers. But this year we just got a bunch of ordinary kids who sang as badly as you’d expect a bunch of kids to sing. Most of them can’t even carry a tune. I’d even have hated Minnie’s performance if she hadn’t followed that fat boy who kept forgetting the words and the tune and which way he was supposed to be facing.’
Despite her poor performance, it was decided that Minnie was still a clear winner, thanks for the most part to the atrocious standards set by her competition.
The other judge said simply, ‘it’s contests like this that remind me why I hate working in this stupid sodding place.’