With allegations of racism hitting the headlines at an exponential rate, the government has acted to eliminate all prejudices based on skin colour with a sweeping, nationwide initiative. Beginning in the summer of this year, the entire population of the British Isles, regardless of age, gender or ethnicity, will have their skin dyed purple.
‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple,’ explained Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘We painstakingly searched for the colour that was the least offensive to the populace. Bleaching everybody white was obviously a non-starter; staining people brown could be seen as positive discrimination and green might be offensive to Martians in the event of first contact. After sensitive deliberations we settled on purple. Our public information campaign launches next week and will be fronted by John Terry, Luis Suarez and Diane Abbott.’
During the next few weeks, special dying facilities will be set up in municipal boroughs and parish councils throughout the country. ‘Each person will be required to present themselves at their local facility at a prearranged date where they will be stripped, plunged into a trough of purple liquid and held down with a pole until the dye has permeated every nook and crevice – a bit like sheep dipping really. And in addition to bringing racial equality, being purple makes it easier to conceal your anger and provides natural camouflage against a background of aubergines.’
Critics have, however, blasted the scheme. ‘Purple dye is far too expensive,’ said one activist. ‘Orange would be a far more cost effective colour to use. We’d save loads of money by not needing to dye David Dickinson, Katie Price and or anyone from Essex.’