‘Elgar Country’ declares independence from UK

In the latest surprise move for the devolution of the UK, Elgar Country otherwise known as the apple orchards near Malvern has declared independence from the UK crown and government. Though not all the reasons for the split are yet clear, the main reason for devolution seems to be tax free cider.

The new country is currently sorting out all the apparatus of a nation state and has elected Bob Wiggins as President of the Month. Bob spoke to our reporter about Elgar Country’s new independence.
‘Basically we have lived as a small place in a big country that for too long has taken our apples and crushed them into bland chemical soup like Woodpecker and Diamond White, we will stand for this no more. An Elgar apple deserves no less than to be made into the finest farmhouse scrumpy, a brew that is acid to the tonsils, sandpaper to the mouth and with a delicate rat piss aftertaste on the tongue.’

‘Those people in Whitehall have made our kids go to school, no more will we suffer this injustice. A clip round the head in the morning and tractor driving lessons in the afternoon is all that is required. Our health policy is that every village will have its own vet and that you should not be allowed to marry more than one of your own sisters. Basically we are a simple and happy folk and don’t see why we should be looked down on by people with double digit IQ’s, give the average Elgar man a cricket bat and a dozen angry badgers and he can entertain himself for hours, just like the original Elgar of old.’

Not all is going well in Elgar Country and a civil war has started between two factions over the new country’s national anthem, the Malvern Militia are fighting for Elgar’s ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ while the Rural Roughriders have declared for the Wurzel’s ‘I’ve got a brand new combine harvester’.


Share this story...

Posted: Jan 18th, 2012 by

Click for more article by ..

© 2019 NewsBiscuit | Powered by Deluxe Corporation | Stories (RSS) | T & C | Privacy | Disclaimer