The government put on a special homoerotic display of force in the capital this week, as boats loaded with heavily armed burly looking men roamed the waters of London. Sailing down the Thames with expensive looking weaponry, groups of professional psychopaths wanted to make an effort to reassure Daily Mail readers, as well as scare ‘anyone who looks foreign’, as a neurotic capital prepares to go fully hysterical about the prospect of terrorism during the Olympics.
An anonymous source from SO19, the armed division of the Met voiced his excitement in the run up to the games. ‘Personally I can’t wait to put months of arduous training into action, and actually start shooting people. I can’t tell you too much, but we’ve basically got a license to shot dodgy looking brown people. It’s going to be like a state sanctioned version of Grand Theft Auto, with institutional racism thrown in. I can’t wait.’
However most experts agreed that the games appear likely to pass without incident, after which ‘those whacky terrorists will probably just send another couple of nutters to blow themselves up on the tubes again’, leaving Britain free to pursue that bronze in judo without anxiety.