A young Oxford dad, Darren ‘Dazzler’ Peacock, 28, today announced his intention to give the coalition government a bit of breathing space by giving them a benefit holiday – voluntarily giving up approximately £42k over the next eighteen months.
‘Yeah, thought I’d do my bit and let ‘em off for a while’ he explained. ‘I’m gonna be away in Winchester on a ‘business trip’ for the next year or so, just won’t need the dosh, see.’
This noble gesture by the self-taught benefit system expert is made even more generous by the fact he is also giving up all paternal rights to his ten offspring for the period of his ‘sojourn’, to allow the six mothers of his children to spend some quality time with an array of different father-figure types.
‘It’s going to be tough on ’em and that’ admitted Dazzler. ‘But as long as my ladies’ new fellas do the decent thing and come up with the cash to support their new families it’s all good, innit’. He went on ‘I mean, JJB haven’t had a decent trackie sale for ages and looking good is a very important part of the sprogs’ lifestyles’. Oxford City Council have however confirmed that they are already considering taking several of Darren’s children – Britney, Shaznay, Beyonce, Kanye and little baby Tinchy – into care, which could see foster families providing the youngsters with new tracksuits anyway, or even proper clothes.
‘I’ve always put the kids first’ said Dazzler. ‘Motability were really good to give me a family car. It’s great for taking the kids down the pub, and it means I don’t have to get the Impreza dirty.’
Darren’s six ‘stay-at-home’ mums do all face eighteen months of uncertainty with the head of the house away, but they have all got together to discuss the implications and plan a way forward. ‘We’ve all decided the best thing to do is to pretend he’s dead so we only miss him for a little while – like when Ashley got killed in Corrie’ said Chelsee, 19. She went on to add excitedly ‘we’re all gonna get a ‘RIP Dazzler’ tattoo to make us all believe it more – apparently the new piercing and tatt’ shop in town takes food vouchers as payment!’