Widowed mum-of-two Angela Sophes is celebrating a promotion and pay rise that at last covers her family’s cost of living.
Sophes leaves the house at 6:15am every morning, before returning to tuck her children in by 7:30pm. ‘Thankfully, the Asda clothes I’m forced to dress them in are too plain to appeal to paedophiles’, announced Sophes, ‘so I’m slightly less terrified about them walking to nursery on their own. And I know they hurry straight home to the kettle I leave on the floor, so they can share a Pot Noodle if they feel a bit faint.’
Sophes celebrated her new £32k salary by treating the family to a Muller fruit corner; ‘the most nutritious thing they’ve eaten since 2007’. Her children can now afford to take a sausage roll for lunch almost every day, supplemented with Jammy Dodgers on special occasions.
Sophes is unable to quit her job and claim benefits, as her children were tragically born into a happy marriage. ‘She’s refusing to have five more kids or fake an injury in the workplace’, complained Social Services. ‘Some people just won’t help themselves.’