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Republicans ask Gingrich for an ‘open relationship’

Mormons have far more wivesAs the race for the Republican Party presidential nomination heats up, an increasing number of GOP members are asking a resurgent Newt Gingrich if it would be okay if they saw other candidates.

‘It was exciting at the beginning and we couldn’t keep our hands off his campaign literature,’ said activist Sheila Timms, who has never been married to Gingrich. ‘All of us supporters were at it like rabbits – and by ‘at it’ I mean exchanging, all the hours that God sent, our thrilling, passionate, exciting views on abortion, immigrants and Big Government. Phew, it was exhausting! And I won’t pretend that those previous ethics violations of Newt’s didn’t add a certain frisson to the relationship.’

Other Gingrich supporters also agreed that he presented a powerful allure to red-blooded Republicans. ‘I saw Newt speak at a rally in Iowa and I’d never met a man with such stamina,’ said lifelong conservative Mimi Bendricks, tousling her hair with her fingers. ‘After spending twenty breathless minutes expounding on Obama’s Kenyan ancestry and his anti-colonialist foreign policy, a lesser candidate would have rolled over for a well-earned breather. But not Newt! He just climbed back on and hammered home his point even harder. The man was insatiable.’

But drooping polls are starting to show a waning in Gingrich’s staying power, and many supporters are now questioning their vows of loyalty. ‘When you meet someone who shares your own fetish viewpoint, it’s natural to think you’ve found ‘the one’,’ said Felicity Amherst, who admits to previous dalliances with John McCain and George W Bush. ‘But inevitably things start to go stale after a while, and then you wake up one day and realise the same old illiberal rhetoric just doesn’t do it for you anymore.’

‘It’s at that stage when I think both parties have to ask themselves whether it might be better if they were allowed to see other people,’ continued Felicity. ‘I mean, perhaps I’d like to hook up with Mitt Romney for a while, and if Newt wanted to see voters in other countries – perhaps consider running for office somewhere in South America or Asia – then I wouldn’t want to stand in his way. This is the 21st century after all.’

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Posted: Jan 30th, 2012 by Long Distance Clara

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