The price of S&M services has ‘gone through the roof’ in recent years, a cross-party Parliamentary committee has found. The 128-strong Personal Services Committee has blamed the steep rise in the large number of companies encouraging punters to make spurious personal injury claims.
‘The names and details of MPs, sorry, customers are being sold on to unscrupulous private insurance firms, for up to £500 a time,’ explained Tom Elkington, the chair of the committee. ‘Everybody in the industry knows that that they are taking these backhanders; a masked dominatrix who gave evidence to the committee described it to us as the S&M industry’s ‘dirty little secret.’ Well, one of them, anyway.’
‘The cost of an evening’s humiliation has doubled in the last few years,’ remarked one right honourable anonymous punter MP. ‘And the second I get home afterwards, there’s always a call from some shifty insurance company or other asking me if I have suffered any whiplash injuries. What damn fool kind of question is that? Of course I have; that’s what I’ve just paid for.’
The committee is pushing for Parliament to act as quickly as possible. ‘We believe it’s time for strict new controls to be introduced into the S&M industry,’ declared Mr Elkington. ‘Oh, and they need to stop selling customers’ personal data to private insurance companies as well.’
The Association of British Insurers has agreed that radical reform was desirable. ‘We would like to act more decisively on this one,’ explained a spokesman. ‘but unfortunately our hands are tied. Hold on, I’ll rephrase that.’