There was chaos at Buckingham Palace this morning after the Queen was informed that all her bank accounts at Coutts & Co, a wholly owned subsidary of the Royal Bank of Scotland, have been frozen in retaliation for the divestiture of Fred Goodwin.
In a tersely worded letter posted on the railings at Buckingham Palace, the bank informed Her Majesty that due to a complete breakdown of trust in their mutual business relationship, the bank had no option but to withdraw facilities and that she could ‘stick her Knighthood right up her big fat Royal corgi’.
After a bad week for RBS which saw incumbent chief executive Stephen Hester deprived of his bonus this is seen as a clear show of strength that the Masters of the Universe will not tolerate negative actions against ‘one of their own’.
However, an even more pink-faced than usual David Cameron refused to comment or intervene on the bank’s actions despite being the majority shareholder, saying ‘it’s not good for anyone, but frankly, this is a matter for the board of RBS, and absolutely nothing to do with me’.
Labour Leader Ed Miliband, delighted that yet another fat cat had been brought to heel, was seen drooling happily at the news and pulling funny faces in the background, although he is expected to regain his composure, put on a serious face and change his mind in a couple of week’s time.
With many utility bills becoming due for the upkeep of the Queen’s main residence at Buckinghambalmoralwindsorsandringham Palace, a planned day out boating on the Thames in June, dwindling supplies of Dubonnet and cash rapidly running out, the Prime Minister has hinted that Mervyn King at the Bank of England may be able to issue a line of credit to tide Her Majesty over until the crisis is over, at a very reasonable rate of interest.
But for now the situation remains unresolved. The Royal Bank of Scotland has already announced its intention to seek independence from the British establishment and is setting a timetable for a shareholder vote and looking for a suitable new name, a process hindered by the news that plain old ‘Bank of Scotland’ is already taken by someone else, who also happens to have been bailed out by people who pay their tax bills.
But should RBS ever manage to break away from England to once again become a wholly Scottish concern there are renewed hopes that plain old Mr Fred Goodwin, as he is now, may be asked to return and lead a glorious nation’s banking industry to Nirvana one more time, after Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond was apparently overheard describing him in muffled tones as ‘the biggest banker on the planet’. Or something like that.