After bowing to pressure and removing John Terry from the role of captain of the England football team, the Football Association today announced that he would be replaced by Labour MP Diane Abbott. Mrs Abbott is expected to slot into Terry’s role at the centre of defence, significantly strengthening the national squad for the European Championships this summer.
‘While John Terry is awaiting trial on charges of racial abuse, we don’t feel that it is appropriate for him to remain as England captain,’ said David Bernstein, chairman of the FA. ‘We need a united dressing room and for the national side to have at its helm a figurehead free from any perception of racial prejudice. And what better way to demonstrate our commitment to diversity than to appoint a middle-aged black woman to the role? Plus Diane’s form this season has been excellent.’
A delighted Mrs Abbott has welcomed her appointment ahead of Euro 2012. ‘The British invented racism – sorry, football – and we have a proud history of sticking it to foreigners on the pitch. These European powers love playing ‘divide and rule’, but we should not play their game – we need to counter-attack quickly and get it to our wide men. I give the public my word that this England team will rise up and avenge the European white man for the years of brutal oppression we have suffered in major footballing tournaments.’
However, critics have immediately questioned the wisdom of the FA’s appointment after Mrs Abbott’s first contribution as England captain was to drop all the white players in the squad. ‘I’ve been involved in football long enough to know you can’t win anything with white kids,’ she told pundits. ‘We need to give young black boys role models they can look up to. And for any racists who disagree, all I will say is that I’m not afraid to call up Emile Heskey.’
But during her first game as captain, Mrs Abbott and her all-black team came up against the same old racial prejudices. ‘Every time we went near the opposition, this white authority figure in uniform blew a whistle and stopped and searched us. It was a disgrace, and it has left the lads feeling pretty low. So, having spoken to my predecessor, to try and raise team morale I’m going to have an affair with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend.’