King Kong bemoans lack of giant ape-friendly buildings
Hollywood legend King Kong has angrily hit out at the lack of provision being made for giant apes in modern urban planning. The 25 foot-tall movie icon believes that the continued failure to cater for over-sized gorillas when designing public buildings stems from a deep-rooted prejudice against the giant ape community.
‘When I moved from Skull Island to New York I was told of a land where all were equal and there were great opportunities regardless of colour, creed or enormous size,’ explained Mr. Kong. ‘The truth I’ve found is very different. People say ‘it’s a jungle out there’, but let me assure you it’s not. It’s just a load of high-tensile steel, low-friction glass and ridiculous corporate slogans lit up with lamps. How do they expect us to climb that? It’s ape-ist.’
Kong is now threatening legal action against the city of New York, citing severely restricted opportunities for members of the Megaprimatus Kong subspecies. ‘There’s plenty of parking for the disabled, but are there adequate foot and hand holds on the outside of the fascias?’ asked Mr Kong, beating his chest. ‘I expect the architect thought those bi-planes would smash themselves.’
Mr Kong is particularly critical of access arrangements, especially in some of the newer buildings. ‘There I was, my massive left eye staring into the apartment of a screaming woman, and could I get her window open? Could I balls! I picked at it for ages but it was really difficult, and in the end the woman gave up shrieking and went for a bath. That’s the last thing your self esteem needs when you’re trying to terrorise a city.’
In an open letter to New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, Kong has called for an immediate review of government policy on building regulations, demanding wheelchair ramps be accompanied by special giant ape access areas. He is also highly critical of current rooftop safety levels.
‘Many of the skyscrapers in New York are a real hazard for your average giant gorilla. The lack of adequate safety railings makes falling to your death in a hail of gunfire a real possibility. When I think about how I’ve been treated, it breaks my heart,’ admitted Mr Kong. ‘Or it could just be indigestion from eating that hot dog vendor too quickly.’Click to send this story to a friend
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