Clinton Cards launches range of equivocal Valentine’s cards for unfulfilling relationships

Clinton offering once-a-year chance for honest declaration of apathy

Following complaints from customers who find themselves in relationships lacking the life-long commitment implied by traditional Valentine’s messages, Clinton Cards has launched a range of greetings for this Feb 14th capturing more tentative and conditional expressions of limited affection.

‘Anything which says ‘I love you’ or ‘You are the one for me’ immediately gets things off on the wrong foot,’ said 33-year-old commitment-phobe Tim Jasper, an experienced Valentine’s campaigner with a host of failed short-term relationships behind him. ‘The last thing you want to be doing on the most romantic day of the year is raising expectations and writing cheques that can’t be cashed, but of course you can’t do the decent thing and dump her. So you need to find a third way, and a card which says ‘Be mine today, tomorrow, and maybe some of the days after – no promises!’ does just that.’

The new range of cards features both his and hers greetings. Valentine’s messages from him include the giftless romanticism of ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, they’d sold out of flowers, what can you do?’ and the infinitely hopeful ‘With you by my side life feels full of new and exciting opportunities. Why not invite your sister along tonight?’ Meanwhile women can show the man in their life their true feelings with greetings such as ‘I only close my eyes when we kiss on my optician’s advice’ and ‘Don’t worry, sometimes I can’t find my clitoris either’.

Clinton Cards is delighted by the success of the new range. ‘Some people have suggested we should have produced a wider range of cards, but the beauty of a terminal relationship is that you don’t have to worry about finding a different card next year. You can buy the same card and just change the recipient.’

But for some the new cards have helped make Valentine’s special again. ‘For years I’d been searching for an off-the-shelf card with the greeting ‘I knew from the moment we met that without a change of heart from my exes the chances of you and I being together always were no worse than fair to middling’,’ said 28-year-old Lee Wright. ‘And my girlfriend was delighted to find one which said ‘All that stands between us and happiness is a major neuro-pharmacological breakthrough’. It was the perfect day. I think I might be in love.’

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Posted: Feb 14th, 2012 by

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